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Key findings from the interview
- Intimacy starts with being in truth - to yourself and to the other person.
- There is no deep intimacy without honesty, communication and a willingness to show your vulnerability.
- The relationship with ourselves influences how we build relationships with others.
- In relationships, the greatest potential for growth often comes precisely in difficult moments.
- Small gestures, attentiveness and knowledge of each other's needs build everyday intimacy.
- Self-awareness not only helps you to better communicate your needs, but also to realistically change your behaviour.
- What we learn in the family home about emotions and intimacy often influences our relationships in adulthood.
What the conversation is about
This episode focuses on intimacy in a broad sense: as emotional closeness, trust, communication and the willingness to expose what is most vulnerable. Kamila Pyszka shows that intimacy is not just about romantic relationships - it is also about contact with oneself, relationships with loved ones and even the quality of presence in everyday conversations.
In the second part of the talk, more practical themes emerge: how to develop intimacy with a partner, what gives self-awareness, how to respond to difficult messages and the impact of role models from home on our adult relationships. This is a good complement to the reflections also developed in the article Intimacy - how to discover your truth and build deep relationships?.
Key concepts
- Intimacy - a deep intimacy based on truth, honesty, trust and mutual exposure.
- Self-awareness - the ability to recognise one's own emotions, needs, mechanisms and reactions.
- Attachment style - way of building relationships, which often stems from early life experiences.
- The language of love - the form of showing and receiving closeness that is most meaningful to the person.
- Positive feedback - a message that reinforces desired behaviour and builds a sense of being seen.
List of topics of conversation
- [00:00:01] Introduction to the topic of intimacy and introduction of guestini
- [00:01:18] Why intimacy is so important in relationships
- [00:04:21] Communication, self-awareness and relationship with self
- [00:08:03] Sensitivity, masks and taming one's imperfections
- [00:12:00] Intimacy in a romantic relationship and the importance of difficult moments
- [00:14:41] Small gestures, languages of love and the daily building of intimacy
- [00:18:52] Positive feedback and communication of needs
- [00:21:49] Self-awareness as fuel for change
- [00:25:18] Intimacy as an uncomfortable but beautiful truth
- [00:29:24] The influence of parents, attachment styles and emotional patterns
- [00:33:14] Top tips for deepening intimacy
Podcast experts / Interviewees
Martyna Sobiecka - interviewer, associated with the Bouduar brand and the Bouduar Discreet Idea podcast space.
Kamila Pyszka - Psychologist and coach, working with people on development, relationships and self-awareness. In conversation, she combines a psychological perspective with the practice of everyday life.
Quotes from the conversation
Intimacy is about being in the truth.
Kamila Pyszka
There is no closeness without sincerity.
Kamila Pyszka
The best apology is a change in behaviour.
Kamila Pyszka
Let's give each other instructions to each other.
Kamila Pyszka
Frequently Asked Questions
Why is intimacy important in relationships?
Because it allows one to be in truth and build real intimacy, not just a relational façade. Without it, the relationship can exist formally but emotionally remain empty.
Where does building intimacy start?
From a relationship with oneself: noticing one's own emotions, needs, boundaries and how we react to ourselves on a daily basis.
How to develop intimacy in a relationship?
Through small, regular gestures, attentiveness, talking about needs, appreciating the other person and being ready to be honest also when difficulties arise.
Does self-awareness really affect intimacy?
Yes. The better we understand ourselves, the easier it is to communicate needs and the less we act automatically in conflicts.
What impact do parents and the family home have on intimacy?
Very big. It is at home that we learn whether emotions are welcome or whether we need to suppress them, run away from them or fear them.
Full transcript of the interview
Introduction to the conversation on intimacy
[00:00:01] Martyna Sobiecka:
Welcome to the Bouduar Discreet Idea podcast - a space for conversations without shame and without masks. Here the body, the voice and the truth are heard.
We talk about the authentic: about femininity, relationships, pleasure and self-acceptance. We don't teach how to live. We invite you to feel.
Today's talk is about the fascinating and very important issue of intimacy. It is not only physical intimacy, but also a deep bond that connects people on many levels.
My guest is Kamila Pyszka - psychologist and coach, who combines psychological knowledge with life and business experience. She supports people and organisations in their development and transition through change.
[00:01:18] Martyna Sobiecka:
Hi, Kamila. I'm very happy to see you again and to talk today about such an important topic as intimacy. I would like to start by asking you why intimacy is so important in our relationships?
[00:01:57] Kamila Pyszka:
If I had to answer in one sentence, I would say that intimacy is about being in the truth. For me, that is where its essence lies.
After many workshops, meetings with people and working on relationships, I see more and more strongly that there is no intimacy without honesty. This is the foundation of every relationship.
When we talk about intimacy, we often think immediately of romantic relationships. But emotional intimacy also applies to friendships, relationships with parents or even important professional relationships.
Wherever we expose our „soft tummy”, wherever we show vulnerability and take off our emotional armour, intimacy begins.
Today, it is much easier to show the body than to show true vulnerability. And yet it is precisely the latter that requires more courage.
Sometimes relationships end not because something spectacular has happened, but because the truth has been missing. Everything looks good from the outside, but inside it is empty.
Communication and relationship with self
[00:04:21] Martyna Sobiecka:
You said about truth and intimacy, but that immediately leads to communication too. How does communication help build intimacy?
[00:04:34] Kamila Pyszka:
First there is the need for self-awareness - that is, the answer to the question: what am I actually feeling and what do I need? Only then comes the question of whether I know how to share it.
Sometimes a person only knows that „something is very wrong”, but does not yet know how to name it. That is why it is so important to stop, make space for yourself and look at yourself.
For me, everything starts with a close relationship with myself. If I can be warm, welcoming and attentive to myself, I then bring the same to my relationships with others.
Intimacy already begins when I stand in front of the mirror and ask myself: how am I with myself? Do I feel comfortable with my nakedness? Do I have sensitivity for myself?
If I don't have intimacy with myself, both physically and emotionally exposing myself to another person will be very difficult.
[00:06:36] Martyna Sobiecka:
Luke once said in our podcast that there is no man who has everything „wrong” with himself. There is always something to like and expose about yourself.
[00:06:57] Kamila Pyszka:
I really like the approach: if you can't hide something, you can expose it. But to do that, you first have to enter into a relationship with it.
I'm not a fan of empty slogans like „just love yourself”. It is usually more important to ask: what is standing in the way, where is the resistance, fear or complex coming from?
It is all a process of taming. And when we tame something, it becomes less threatening and more ours.
Masks, defects and taming vulnerability
[00:08:03] Kamila Pyszka:
I was once at a business event where the presenter asked participants, when introducing themselves, to say not their successes but one or two of their flaws.
It was an incredible experience. In one second the masks fell off. Suddenly everyone became more human, more real, closer to each other.
There was a lot of laughter, slackness and authenticity. It turned out that everyone carries something, everyone has a point of vulnerability and that is what paradoxically brings people together.
[00:10:18] Martyna Sobiecka:
That is, one could say that intimacy has many names, but in essence it is always about truthfulness and lifting the shroud of secrecy about oneself.
[00:10:34] Kamila Pyszka:
Yes. And this is why intimacy is sometimes a taboo subject, because it involves showing what is most sensitive.
This takes courage. Because when I reveal where my fears, needs and „buttons” are, I give the other person access to places that can be hurt.
That is why intimacy needs trust - in the world, in the other person and in myself. It also needs the conviction that I can cope even when difficulties arise.
Intimacy in a romantic relationship
[00:12:00] Martyna Sobiecka:
Let's move on to intimacy in a partner relationship. How can emotional intimacy be developed in a relationship?
[00:12:12] Kamila Pyszka:
It is most beautifully built when it is difficult. It is in moments of tension, of disagreement, of having to communicate boundaries or say something uncomfortable that the chance for a real encounter arises.
The paradox is that in a difficult moment we usually want to shrink back, withdraw or pretend that all is well. Meanwhile, this is when the next level of the relationship can be entered.
It's a bit like a game - the obstacles are there to get through. Every difficulty well experienced can be a point that strengthens the bond.
Of course, it takes two people to do this. If the other party does not want to build a relationship, does not want to stand in the truth and keeps running away, then the difficulty remains just an obstacle.
But even then, it is worth starting small. Small gestures also earn points and build trust.
Small gestures, love languages and daily intimacy
[00:14:41] Kamila Pyszka:
It is very important to be aware of the other person's love language. For someone words will be important, for someone a tender touch, for someone shared time or small gestures of daily care.
If I know that my partner feels special when I invite her somewhere and organise time together, that's where I can meet her. If I know my partner enjoys simple gestures - even a sandwich to work with a short message - that's intimacy too.
It's little things like this that make me feel warm. Someone sees, someone remembers, someone takes notice of me.
[00:16:12] Martyna Sobiecka:
And it has a completely different tone when a few important words are added to it.
[00:16:17] Kamila Pyszka:
Exactly. Without attentiveness and without seeing each other it is difficult to have intimacy.
Especially when a couple is going through a more difficult time, it's no good starting with big declarations and tough conversations about everything at once. It's better to go back to the little things and see what works.
Sometimes you just have to ask yourself: what makes me suddenly soften in a conflict? What makes the tone of the conversation change? What gesture or word makes us start to hear each other again?
It could be a hug, a hand rub, a warm tone or sometimes a simple morning coffee. One of my friends once said beautifully that in her house foreplay starts with morning coffee and ends with evening sex.
I really like this phrase because it shows that closeness doesn't start five minutes before the final. It builds throughout the day, and sometimes for days before.
Positive feedback and communication of needs
[00:18:52] Martyna Sobiecka:
I would like to find some practical tips for female listeners. How do we talk to our partner about what we need so that this daily intimacy has a chance to develop?
[00:19:03] Kamila Pyszka:
I would not go into persuasion. A partner builds intimacy when they want to build it themselves. But there is something that really works - positive feedback.
„Darling, when you do it like that, I feel feminine, important, I feel noticed.”.
When a partner sees that sparkle in your eyes and feels their actions are genuinely benefiting you, they usually want to return to it. Not because they were forced, but because they saw the purpose and the answer.
You can ask, but it's much stronger to show what works for me and what my sense of closeness is tied to.
It's also good to do a retrospective: recall the best moments of the relationship and ask what was working then. What built us up? What created a good atmosphere between us?
Some couples argue in order to finally tell each other the truth. It's not an ideal path, but it sometimes shows how much people yearn for authentic connection.
Self-awareness as fuel for change
[00:21:49] Martyna Sobiecka:
I would like to return to self-awareness. How does it influence building intimacy?
[00:22:02] Kamila Pyszka:
I would say that self-awareness is the best fuel we can have. If I know what's important to me, it's easier for me to communicate that, and it's also easier to notice when I'm not getting that in a particular relationship.
Self-awareness allows one to break free from the „I am right” automaton. Thanks to it, I can look at myself from the outside – simultaneously being an actress and an observer of my own reactions.
Without this, real change is difficult. It is said that the best apology is a change in behaviour – and I agree. But lasting change doesn’t happen because someone forced me into it, but because I myself have realised what within me needs examination.
A close relationship is an extraordinary mirror in this regard. Another person shows us things that we often don't see ourselves.
[00:24:35] Martyna Sobiecka:
I'm at a stage in my life where I feel my relationship with my partner is showing me various areas for growth. It can be difficult, but I also see that many changes have genuinely benefited me.
I even have the feeling that if it weren't for this relationship, I wouldn't have had the courage to record a podcast like this a few years ago.
[00:25:18] Kamila Pyszka:
And that's exactly what intimacy is. Saying to another person, „It was a difficult journey, but today I see how much it gave me. Thank you.”
It can be a bit uncomfortable, a bit naked, and at the same time very moving and beautiful. You can feel in your body that it's true.
It's worth listening to what our partners tell us. They don't always have a point, but it's always worth stopping and checking what part of that information is about me and what is about them.
One can disagree with someone's assessment and yet accept the fact that this person has such a perspective. Hearing something doesn't automatically mean accepting it all.
It's also good to paraphrase and get below the surface of the message. Not to stop at someone complaining, but to ask: what need lies beneath that statement?
Sometimes someone says something hurtful, and underneath it lies the message: „This is difficult for me” or „I need more here.”.
Not taking everything personally
[00:28:12] Kamila Pyszka:
I once heard a malicious comment: „You're so difficult to put up with sometimes.” Instead of getting offended, I paused and replied: „I hear that something about me is difficult for you to tolerate. What is it?”
This was the moment when I separated the comment from myself and heard the need. Not taking things personally is a very high level of development – especially when we really care about someone.
The influence of parents and the family home
[00:29:24] Martyna Sobiecka:
I would also like to touch upon the subject of parents. How does what we learn at home affect later intimacy and relationships?
[00:29:54] Kamila Pyszka:
It's a huge topic, but in a nutshell – very much so. The theory of attachment and attachment styles alone show that the relationships we experience early in life influence how we build them later on.
If emotions were blocked at home, if there was no space to express them, a child learns that when things get tough, it's best to run away.
And then in adulthood, such a strategy can resurface automatically. Someone distances themselves, shuts down, or cuts off contact, because that's precisely how they regulate their nervous system.
On the other hand, someone with a more anxious attachment style may talk a lot, get very worked up, and need a lot of reassurance. These two styles can trigger each other very strongly.
To this is added the social message, especially towards men: don't show emotions, be tough, be professional. And yet, this has nothing to do with emotional maturity.
If someone grows up in a home where the only accepted emotion is anger, they may later struggle to understand either their own sensitivity or their partner's emotionality. This doesn't necessarily stem from ill will – it's often simply a learned mechanism.
[00:32:47] Martyna Sobiecka:
When you talk about it, a lot of things start to click into place for me. I can see that certain situations can be looked at from a completely different perspective and I can better understand what's going on underneath.
The most important tips for deepening intimacy
[00:33:14] Martyna Sobiecka:
Finally, I'd like to ask you for the most important advice for people who want to deepen intimacy in their relationships.
[00:33:24] Kamila Pyszka:
First of all, it is worth recognising that intimacy is really important. It's not an add-on, but an ingredient that makes the whole relationship work better.
When we build a relationship only superficially, we are only close on the surface. Only when we open up and unpack ourselves with each other does depth and true satisfaction emerge.
It's good to take stock of the situation in your head: what are my values, what do I guide myself by in relationships, what does it mean to me to be loved, and what makes me feel distant.
Intimacy will mean different things to different people. And even just talking about what is important to each person is a form of intimacy.
I really like to say that it's worth giving each other instructions on how to relate to each other. To say: „This is how I feel loved”, „this is how I feel ignored”, „this is important to me”, „this is what I'm missing”.
And it's not enough to do it once. It should be a ritual, a habit, something the couple returns to. Because our needs change, and a relationship lives when there is conversation within it.
The same mechanism works in other areas of life too, not just in love. Stopping to check your needs and communicating them is useful in every sphere of life.
[00:36:10] Martyna Sobiecka:
Thank you very much for our conversation today. I hope we will revisit further topics.
[00:36:19] Kamila Pyszka:
Thank you for the space and for the time.
Summary
This conversation shows that intimacy is not a single gesture or a single conversation. It's a process built from mindfulness, courage, honesty, and a readiness to get to know each other without masks.
In practice, this means returning to yourself, your needs, and your truth. This is where closeness begins – both with another person and the closeness we build within ourselves. If this topic resonates with you, then take a look at Boudoir Club and to the article On discovering one's own truth and building deep relationships.
