Key findings from the interview
- Self-acceptance is not about idealising oneself, but about noticing both one's brighter and more difficult sides.
- Lack of self-acceptance takes its toll on relationships, the way we respond to crises and daily stress.
- The inner critic does not disappear on its own - you have to learn to recognise it and consciously not amplify its voice.
- Getting to know yourself starts with simple questions: what do I need, what do I like, what is really mine.
- Crises can become a moment of breakthrough if we treat them as a signal for reflection and not just a reason to blame ourselves.
- Working on self-acceptance is a process and often resembles the path of a loner, but it offers more peace and inner stability.
What the conversation is about
Martyna Sobiecka talks to Anna Kuryłko about what self-acceptance really is and why it is not at all about repeating empty slogans. At the centre of this conversation is the body, emotions, beliefs and how we learn to look at ourselves through the prism of upbringing, experiences and social expectations.
It is also a conversation about how to work with one's own shadow, how to respond to crises, how not to step into the role of victim and how to regain contact with oneself step by step. In the background, there is also the theme of authenticity, relationships, self-trust and why acceptance does not start with the outside world, but with the relationship with oneself. More content in a similar vein can be found in Boudoir Club and in the article Accepting yourself - a conversation with Anna Kuryłko.
Key concepts
- Self-acceptance - a willingness to see oneself in wholeness, without suppressing what is uncomfortable or non-ideal.
- Shadow - the parts of us that we don't like, don't understand or don't want to see, but which are still a part of us.
- Internal critic - An inner voice that undermines, belittles and makes it difficult to build confidence in oneself.
- Programming - patterns, beliefs and schemas brought from home, culture and previous experiences.
- Victim mentality - a way of functioning in which we easily become glued to suffering and seek confirmation of our own powerlessness.
- Authenticity - living more in harmony with oneself, one's own needs and truth, instead of other people's expectations.
List of topics of conversation
- [00:00:29] Introduction to the topic of self-acceptance
- [00:02:18] What is self-acceptance and how to understand your own shadow
- [00:04:35] The influence of upbringing, role models and beliefs on self-image
- [00:07:08] First exercises to support self-acceptance
- [00:11:50] Victim mentality and the need for external „strokes”
- [00:16:02] The inner critic and ways to work with this voice
- [00:20:07] Authenticity, getting to know oneself and daily mindfulness
- [00:21:58] Crises as an opportunity for development
- [00:24:20] Relationships, betrayal and responsibility for one's own reactions
- [00:27:54] External support versus the lonely road to self-acceptance
- [00:30:15] Contact with the body, small steps and daily practices
Podcast experts / Interviewees
Martyna Sobiecka - podcast host, creator of a conversation space around femininity, the body, intimacy and self-acceptance in the world of Bouduar.
Ania Kuryłko - healthy lifestyle coach, working holistically with the body, emotions, beliefs and psychosomatics. In conversation, she shares practical insights on self-acceptance and building a relationship with yourself.
Quotes from the conversation
For me, acceptance is noticing in myself - both the brighter side and the more difficult side.
Ania Kuryłko
We must first start with ourselves, because acceptance does not come from outside. It flows from the relationship we build with ourselves.
Ania Kuryłko
A crisis does not have to destroy us. It can be the moment when we finally stop and look at what really needs to change.
Ania Kuryłko
Let us not listen endlessly to the inner critic. We must learn to say to that voice: enough.
Ania Kuryłko
Frequently Asked Questions
Why is self-acceptance so important?
Because it affects not only how we think about ourselves, but also our relationships, decisions, levels of tension and how we get through crises.
Where to start working on self-acceptance?
From simple exercises: writing down the things we value about ourselves, noticing our own needs and learning to talk about ourselves with more gentleness.
How to deal with the inner critic?
The first step is to recognise this voice and not automatically follow it. It is worth consciously building a second, supportive inner voice.
Can crises help development?
Yes. If we don't just stay in harm's way, a crisis can show us what needs to be changed, reworked or looked at in a new way.
Is support from others needed to accept oneself?
It can help, but it is no substitute for inner work. The foundation of self-acceptance remains the relationship with oneself.
Full transcript of the interview
Introduction to the conversation
[00:00:01] Lecturer / intro:
Welcome to the Bouduar Discreet Idea podcast - a space for conversations without shame and without masks.
Here the body, the voice and the truth are heard. We talk about what is authentic: femininity, relationships, pleasure and self-acceptance.
We do not teach how to live. We invite you to feel. Brew a cup of tea, open up. Here we go.
[00:00:29] Martyna Sobiecka:
Did you know that, according to research, the average person spends about 25 years of their life worrying about their appearance?
That's a staggering amount of time that we could spend on something much more constructive.
Today we will talk about how to accept yourself and live more fully. My guest is Ania - a healthy lifestyle coach who combines a holistic approach with natural methods to support health, working with beliefs, emotions and psychosomatics.
Hi, Anna. I'm very happy to have you with me today.
Ania Kuryłko:
Hi, Martina. I'm really looking forward to this meeting because self-acceptance is a really important topic, especially today when we are constantly stimulated from different sides.
First question: what do we like about ourselves
[00:01:44] Martyna Sobiecka:
I have a warm-up question to start with. I'm curious to know what part of the body you like best in yourself.
Ania Kuryłko:
I like my lips and eyes the most. I would also have said my breasts in the past, but after two pregnancies this image has changed a bit.
This also shows that acceptance is a process. It is not something given once and for all.
Martyna Sobiecka:
This is true. Then let's cut to the chase. Why is self-acceptance so important in everyday life?
What self-acceptance actually is
[00:02:18] Ania Kuryłko:
Maybe let's start with what acceptance is in general, because we hear the word very often, but it can mean something a little different for everyone.
For me, acceptance is about noticing ourselves - both the bright part and the more difficult part. It's about seeing that the shadow is a part of us too.
Our strengths and our flaws make up who we are. And it is confronting what is uncomfortable about us that is the first step towards true acceptance.
It is easy for us to see what we consider to be bad. It is much harder to see what is good, valuable and supportive in us.
Martyna Sobiecka:
And yet, a lack of self-acceptance strongly affects our relationships and how we function among people. How do we work with these darker sides?
Where does the lack of acceptance come from
[00:03:44] Ania Kuryłko:
I usually start by asking myself: why did something happen to me? And very often the answer leads precisely to this more difficult side of myself.
Maybe I didn't want to take care of something. Maybe I ignored something. Maybe I preferred not to see something. Often we prefer to turn a blind eye and assume that „somehow it will be done”.
And when we live in such a „somehow it will happen”, the consequences are also sometimes accidental and not always good for us. Just noticing one's own participation in the situation is already the first step towards acceptance.
Martyna Sobiecka:
What is this due to? From upbringing? From culture? From what we have been taught?
[00:04:55] Ania Kuryłko:
From many things. From upbringing certainly, but also from the beliefs, emotions and patterns we take on ancestrally and environmentally.
Over the years we impose more schemes, programmes, beliefs and assumptions on ourselves. Rarely does anyone teach us to ask: is this mine, do I really want this, do I feel this way.
And that's why it happens that for 25, 35 or 40 years we act out of the box and then suddenly realise that we are living in a world that we are not passionate about and in which we do not feel ourselves.
Then comes a lack of happiness, and with it a lack of self-acceptance and a sense that something is wrong.
First steps towards self-acceptance
[00:07:08] Martyna Sobiecka:
What are the first steps we can take to start accepting ourselves?
Ania Kuryłko:
The easiest way to start is with a piece of paper. Write down five things you love, value or simply like about yourself.
It could be qualities of appearance, character or personality. It's not about grand declarations. It's about noticing the good in yourself.
Then add a compliment to each of these things for yourself. For example: „I have beautiful freckles”, „I am attentive”, „I have warmth in me”.
The best way is to read it out loud while standing in front of a mirror. It seems simple, but many people find it very difficult.
If you can't find five things yourself, ask someone you trust for help. Don't comment on her answers, don't belittle them, just accept them and thank her.
The second part of the exercise is to write down two things you don't like about yourself. Then ask yourself whether, if another person had exactly the same thing, you would judge them as harshly as you would yourself.
Martyna Sobiecka:
This is very pertinent, as we do indeed tend to be each other's harshest critics.
Victim mentality and the need for „strokes”
[00:11:50] Ania Kuryłko:
Yes, but there is something more behind it. Very often we get into a victim mentality.
We glue ourselves more easily to things that are sad and painful than to those that build us up. Sometimes this is because the role of victim gives us attention, sympathy and strokes from the outside.
When we are „that poor person”, someone will comfort us, hug us, confirm our point. And the way out is much lonelier.
If we want to grow and take responsibility for ourselves, we don't always get immediate support for that. This is often a more separate but more mature way.
Martyna Sobiecka:
I feel this very much. When building Bouduar I also felt for a long time that I was going my own way and was not always met with full understanding, but I still knew I wanted to go further.
Ania Kuryłko:
And that's what's important - to note that the path to something truly one's own can sometimes be lonely. But that doesn't mean it's wrong. It just requires more grounding in oneself.
The inner critic and the second voice
[00:16:02] Martyna Sobiecka:
Let's talk about our inner critic. About that voice that says we are doing everything wrong. How do we work with such a voice?
Ania Kuryłko:
The simplest answer is to stop listening to him. And I know this seems too simple, but it is in the simple solutions that the greatest strength usually lies.
The point is not that this voice will disappear immediately. It's about not having endless conversations with it and not automatically believing every word it says.
Each of us also has a second voice within us - the supportive one. It needs to be strengthened and sometimes we need to say very clearly to the critic: „Enough. I'm not listening to you.”.
What helps me in such moments is to change the direction of my thinking. Instead of going into a judgmental spiral, I say to myself, „What other good can come out of this?”, „How can I make the most of this situation?”.”
It's not about denying the facts, it's about not building your identity on criticism.
Martyna Sobiecka:
For me, this works best in the professional area. When something doesn't work out, I immediately think: well, what needs to be done to make it work. In other spheres it can be more difficult.
Ania Kuryłko:
And that too is a valuable tip. Where we feel more secure and grounded, the critic has less to say. Where we still do not feel secure, his voice is stronger.
This is not evidence that we are „weak”. Rather, it is an indication of where we need more tenderness, work and embedding.
Authenticity and getting to know oneself
[00:20:07] Martyna Sobiecka:
How do you be authentic and accept yourself in every dimension these days?
Ania Kuryłko:
Ask yourself. What do I like? What do I need? Why am I doing this? What is mine and what has only been stuck to me?
It sounds trivial, but most of us really don't know ourselves. We live fast, we act automatically and we don't notice what we really feel.
Mindfulness starts with simple things: how I eat, how I breathe, how I react, what I taste, what makes me tired, what I tense up at and what I relax at.
It is only from such daily presence that authenticity is born. Not from declarations, but from the practice of being closer to one another.
Crises as a turning point
[00:21:58] Martyna Sobiecka:
Can crises be an opportunity to get to know ourselves better?
Ania Kuryłko:
Of course. Without experience there is no development. If everything was smooth all the time, we would last in one place.
A crisis shows that something has run out of steam, that something needs changing or repairing. If we work on ourselves, crises may even occur more, because we start to move what has been long frozen.
The most important thing is not to respond to a crisis solely with self-destruction. Instead of asking: „Why has this happened to me again?”, it is better to ask: „What can I see from this?”, „What circumstances led to this?”, „What does this require of me?”.”
It's a bit like analysing a chess game. Not to condemn yourself, but to play something better next time.
Martyna Sobiecka:
I also understand this very much in the context of working with clients and building products. Even a difficult opinion can be a starting point for improving the process, not just an unpleasant experience.
Ania Kuryłko:
It works exactly the same way in life. If we know how to draw conclusions, over time fewer and fewer things drive us up the wall, because we notice the warning signs more quickly.
Relationships, betrayal and responsibility for one's own emotions
[00:24:20] Ania Kuryłko:
This is very evident in the example of relationships and betrayal. It is a difficult subject and laden with huge emotions, but at the same time it shows a great deal.
When betrayal happens - not only physical, but also emotional or relational - it is easiest to step into the role of victim and look for one person to blame. Meanwhile, it is much more important to ask honestly about what went on before.
It's not about blaming yourself, it's about seeing the mechanisms, the tensions, the lack of communication, your own fears and patterns that may have led to this situation.
I know from my own experience that when I didn't accept myself as a woman, I viewed the relationship through a prism of suspicion and fear. This way of thinking in itself tightened the relationship space.
Martyna Sobiecka:
However, these are huge emotions. How do you incorporate reflection in such a moment, when your heart and body are reacting very strongly?
Ania Kuryłko:
In the beginning, you don't need to expect a cool analysis from yourself. A breath is needed first.
You can cry, get angry, shout, but in parallel breathe and let the emotions flow, rather than immediately deepening the drama and throwing yourself into an even bigger vortex.
Only later comes the time for reflection. And it is worth giving yourself this time.
Can others help us accept ourselves
[00:27:54] Martyna Sobiecka:
And what role does the environment play? Can the people around us help us develop self-acceptance?
Ania Kuryłko:
If we have people around us who love, respect and are close to us, it is certainly easier. But the truth is that acceptance cannot be based solely on the outside world.
If we do not accept ourselves, we often also assume that others do not accept us. This affects relationships, introduces tension and makes us break even good bonds.
Therefore, this process must always start with us. Not from people for us, but from us with ourselves. Only later does what we build inside start to flow outwards.
Martyna Sobiecka:
It sounds like a difficult process, but also one that can give you more peace and lightness in your life.
Ania Kuryłko:
This is what it is all about. When we start trusting and leaning on ourselves, life doesn't become perfect, but it becomes simpler and calmer.
How to start with the body and small steps
[00:30:15] Martyna Sobiecka:
And if you had to give a very practical direction for someone who wants to start with small steps - where is the best place to start?
Ania Kuryłko:
From the body. Always from the body.
It is a good idea to start with simple exercises, walks, gentle movement, by touching your body with more tenderness and observing how it reacts.
We are visual, so we often only judge what we see in the mirror. Meanwhile, there's a lot more going on under the skin - and that's what you need to meet.
If someone can't exercise intensively, they can start by walking, by getting in touch with nature, by consciously being in motion. These are simple things, but they really work.
It is also important to remember that the brain does not like change. It will sabotage new activities because change costs energy. That's why it's important not to listen to it unconditionally and to take a small step despite resistance.
Martyna Sobiecka:
This is very true. Sometimes you really just need to not listen to that first resistance and just take action.
Closing the call
[00:32:47] Martyna Sobiecka:
Today, I think we have managed to lift a shred of mystery when it comes to self-acceptance. It's a subject worth returning to in more detail.
Thank you so much for being here and for the knowledge you shared today. It is important and needed.
Ania Kuryłko:
Thank you very much for the invitation. I am glad I could be here and share my experience and my work.
Martyna Sobiecka:
Thank you, too. See you there.
Summary
This talk shows that self-acceptance is not a one-off breakthrough, but a process that starts with looking at yourself honestly. It is not about becoming „perfect”, but about stop rejecting your own experience, body, emotions and needs.
In practice, this means working with your inner critic, being more mindful, getting in touch with your body and accepting that development is not always comfortable. If this topic is close to your heart, take a look also at Boudoir Club and to the related article about self-acceptance and building a smoother relationship with your body.
